A Toy, a Standoff, and a Lesson in Sharing

by Jon Scaccia March 11, 2025

The scene is familiar: A group of preschoolers sits in a circle, eyeing a single, coveted toy in the middle. The teacher places it down and steps back. Within seconds, one child grabs it. Another reaches out, hesitates, then pulls back. A third child watches, waiting for the right moment to make a move.

Who gets the toy first? Who shares? Who doesn’t?

It turns out, these split-second decisions in the preschool classroom aren’t random. A groundbreaking study reveals that young children’s choices about sharing and helping are shaped by more than just kindness—they’re influenced by dominance, popularity, and, most importantly, friendship.

What researchers found challenges some common assumptions about why kids behave prosocially—and offers powerful insights for parents and educators looking to foster kindness in the classroom.

The Science of Sharing: What’s Really Happening in the Classroom?

A team of researchers in Vienna set out to understand the secret social rules that guide kids’ decisions to help or share. They observed 108 preschoolers from five different childcare centers, using carefully designed games to test two key types of prosocial behavior:

🔹 Sharing – Voluntarily giving up a resource (like a toy) to another child. 🔹 Helping – Taking action to assist another child (like picking up something they dropped).

The results?

💡 Kids were far more likely to share and help friends than non-friends.

💡 Dominant kids—those who naturally held onto the toy longer—were more likely to receive help from others.

💡 Larger class sizes led to less sharing and helping overall.

💡 Unlike what many adults assume, popularity didn’t influence whether kids shared or helped.

These findings provide an eye-opening look at how social dynamics shape prosocial behavior—and what teachers and parents can do to support it.

Why Friendship Matters More Than Popularity

One of the most striking discoveries in this study was the power of friendship. Preschoolers weren’t just being randomly generous; they were highly selective about whom they shared with and helped.

“Children as young as three already have strong social preferences,” the researchers noted. “They prioritize friends over others when it comes to prosocial behavior.”

This means that a child who appears shy or withdrawn in the classroom may not necessarily be unkind—they might just not feel a social connection with their peers. This insight is crucial for teachers trying to encourage collaboration and teamwork.

🧩 What This Means for Educators: Encouraging friendships in early childhood settings isn’t just about social development—it directly influences prosocial behavior. Teachers can promote an environment where friendships can flourish by pairing children for cooperative activities, modeling inclusive play, and fostering a classroom culture of kindness.

🧩 What This Means for Parents: If your child struggles with sharing at home but does well in school, they may simply be responding to different social cues. Strengthening friendships through playdates or group activities can help reinforce prosocial behaviors.

The Surprising Role of Dominance in Preschoolers

We often think of dominant kids as the ones who take charge in the classroom, but this study showed something unexpected: kids who were more dominant—those who had more control over toys—were actually more likely to receive help from their peers.

Why?

Researchers believe that dominance and prosociality might be more connected than we assume. In some cases, children who are socially powerful use prosocial behaviors (like strategic sharing) to maintain their status. Others may instinctively direct their kindness toward dominant peers to gain favor.

🧩 What This Means for Educators: Teachers should pay attention to how dominance plays out in social interactions. If certain children always receive help but rarely offer it, guided activities that encourage turn-taking and mutual support can help rebalance these dynamics.

🧩 What This Means for Parents: Encouraging children to take turns and recognize when others need help—even those who are naturally more confident or assertive—can prevent dominant personalities from overshadowing quieter kids.

Bigger Classrooms, Less Kindness?

Another key takeaway from this study was that larger groups led to less sharing and helping. The more kids in a preschool group, the less likely any individual child was to engage in prosocial behavior.

This “diffusion of responsibility” is well documented in psychology—when many people are present, individuals feel less personal responsibility to act.

🧩 What This Means for Educators: In large classrooms, structuring smaller playgroups or buddy systems may increase prosocial behavior. Teachers should create environments where kids feel a sense of personal responsibility to help each other.

🧩 What This Means for Parents: At home or in playgroup settings, smaller groups may encourage more kindness. Observing how your child interacts in different group sizes can help you understand their social tendencies better.

How Can We Raise Kinder Kids?

This study offers a refreshing look at how young children navigate social dynamics. It reminds us that prosocial behavior isn’t just about teaching kids to be “nice”—it’s about understanding the deeper social and developmental factors at play.

Key Takeaways for Parents and Educators:

✅ Friendship is the #1 predictor of sharing and helping. Foster strong peer connections to encourage prosocial behavior. ✅ Dominant kids receive more help. Encourage all children to both give and receive kindness. ✅ Larger class sizes reduce prosocial behavior. Create smaller group opportunities to encourage sharing and helping. ✅ Popularity doesn’t equal kindness. Focus on nurturing meaningful social interactions rather than status.

Let’s Talk About It!

💬 What’s the biggest challenge you see when it comes to kindness in schools? 💬 How can we teach kids to share and help in ways that feel natural and rewarding? 💬 Have you seen a child’s friendships shape their behavior in unexpected ways?

Join the conversation! Share your thoughts in the comments below, and let’s work together to create kinder, more connected classrooms.

If you found this helpful, share it with a teacher or parent who could use these insights!

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