Why Some Kids Struggle to Regulate Emotions—And How We Can Help

by Jon Scaccia March 17, 2025

A mother watches as her 10-year-old son stands frozen in the middle of the living room, his small fists clenched, his breathing shallow. She’s just told him it’s time to turn off his tablet and get ready for dinner. But instead of responding, he’s locked in place, staring at her with wide eyes. Moments later, the meltdown begins—crying, stomping, shouting. She sighs, feeling helpless.

This isn’t a simple case of a child not wanting to listen. It’s something much deeper. Children with intellectual disabilities (ID) often struggle with emotional regulation in ways that can feel overwhelming—for both them and the adults who care for them. The latest research confirms what many parents and teachers experience daily: children with ID and those with co-occurring autism face unique challenges in managing their emotions, and understanding these struggles is the first step toward real solutions.

Why Do Some Kids Struggle More Than Others?

Research from the Journal of Intellectual & Developmental Disability highlights a critical fact: kids with intellectual disabilities are at a significantly higher risk for emotional dysregulation than their typically developing peers. Up to 50% also experience mental health challenges like anxiety and depression. The study, which gathered insights from parents, found that children’s struggles are often linked to three key factors:

✔ Sensory Sensitivity: Bright lights, loud noises, or even the feel of certain fabrics can trigger emotional overload. ✔ Rigid Thinking Patterns: Difficulty adapting to changes or unexpected situations can cause distress. ✔ Limited Emotional Awareness: Many children struggle to recognize and express what they’re feeling in the moment.

“I Can’t Handle This!” – The Cycle of Emotion Regulation

Think about the last time you were really frustrated. Maybe you took a deep breath, stepped away, or reframed the situation in your mind. These are all part of the process model of emotion regulation, a framework that helps explain how we manage emotions. The research found that kids with ID struggle at multiple points in this process:

• Situation Selection: Avoiding triggers (like a noisy cafeteria) or seeking out comforting spaces (like a quiet reading corner).
• Situation Modification: Using tools like noise-canceling headphones or fidget toys to make an environment more manageable.
• Attentional Deployment: Redirecting focus, such as watching a video or playing with a pet to calm down.
• Cognitive Change: Trying to reframe an upsetting event (e.g., “It’s okay that my friend didn’t sit with me today; we’ll play later.”)
• Response Modulation: Regulating physical reactions—taking deep breaths instead of screaming, using self-soothing techniques, or, when dysregulation escalates, seeking external support.

The challenge? Many children with ID get stuck at one or more of these steps, leading to emotional outbursts that seem sudden but are actually the result of an internal struggle.

Real-World Strategies That Work

If traditional discipline strategies aren’t working, it’s because these kids need tools, not punishment. Here’s what parents and educators can do:

1. Create Predictability

Kids with intellectual disabilities thrive on routine. Use visual schedules, timers, and advance warnings before transitions to help them prepare for changes. One parent in the study shared: “We do a countdown before bath time, and it makes a world of difference.”

2. Use Sensory Supports

Many children regulate their emotions through sensory experiences. Try: ✔ Weighted blankets for calming anxiety. ✔ Noise-canceling headphones to reduce auditory overload. ✔ Sensory bins or fidget toys to help with focus and self-soothing.

3. Teach Emotion Words

Children with ID often have limited emotional vocabulary. Using visual emotion charts, role-playing, and modeling emotional language (“I feel frustrated when my plans change, but I can take deep breaths”) can make emotions easier to recognize and manage.

4. Practice Cognitive Shifts

Help kids learn to reframe their thoughts with simple, structured exercises: 🔹 “I can’t do this” → “This is hard, but I can try again.” 🔹 “Nobody likes me” → “My friend didn’t play today, but we played yesterday.”

5. Incorporate Physical Movement

Movement helps regulate emotions. Parents and teachers found that kids benefited from: ✔ Taking a walk when feeling overwhelmed. ✔ Swinging or bouncing on a yoga ball. ✔ Stretching or deep breathing exercises.

Schools as Partners in Emotional Well-Being

The role of schools in supporting emotional regulation is huge. Teachers and school psychologists can: ✔ Provide quiet spaces for emotional recovery. ✔ Integrate social-emotional learning (SEL) into daily routines. ✔ Train staff in trauma-informed responses to meltdowns.

One teacher from the study emphasized: “When we focus on teaching emotional skills instead of just managing behavior, kids thrive.”

Let’s Talk About It

This research makes one thing clear: children with intellectual disabilities don’t just need to “behave better”—they need the right support to regulate their emotions. The more we understand their challenges, the better we can help.

💬 Join the conversation! What’s the biggest mental health challenge you see in schools today? How can educators and parents work together to support emotional regulation? Drop a comment below or share this post with your insights!

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